All I ever wanted to be...

What I'm about to write are my dreams that I know I might never achieve now cause there is no fucking college in Malaysia that can help realise my dream! Chef was a choice! I had no other options but to take it since I certainly can't endure 2 more years in school and the course is the only thing that was affordable and reachable.

All I ever wanted to be was a Zoologist or any career that involved studying animals. Thats my passion in life and is the only thing that I can do best! I went to Sciece Stream and got tortured there is just because of my dream, but because I'm in Malaysia, there is no fucking way possible I can ever reach it unless I went to overseas that would cost a fortune. I wanna learn, study and care for animals. Instead, I'm cooking dead animals. I find that very ironic but some animals are ment to be food source and farmed animals does not hurt the ecosystem if properly managed. I wanna spread the word of conservation just like Steve Irwin, the guy who inspired me the most. It would have been a wonderful dream to meet him and it has always been my dream to meet him. Sadly, he left this world too early and it silently killed me inside to know that the world has just lost a wonderful legend who was a hero to those who can't speak and didn't really matter to the majority of the people of the world.

I want to build animal shelters, programs that would educate people on how to be responsible pet owners. Where is the love people??? Love makes the world go round but it seems as if money makes the world go round, and that is a fact.

When it comes to animal facts, I could remember them in a heartbeat except when Its about their weight, speed and those physics stuff. I'm more into Biology, how they move, react, why do they have those behaviours and speacial abilities. Out of the three science subjects, I got A1 in Biology. Physics, a B4 and a very predictable C5 in Chemistry.

I find it hard to organise my priorities. I feel like I'm being pulled far far away from this dream of mine and it hurts terribly. I can't remember the animal facts I used to remember anymore, I seem to be wrong all the time and I find it hard to pull myself back together. I always wanted those big huge animal books that had facts and everything in it but was always too expensive. My parents just wouldn't spend that much money on me by buying that book. In fact, my parents don't really support me with this dream of mine. My mum aspeacially would not invest on something that won't make alot of money and that was why my last and only option was to take Chef training.

I always thought I would do really well cause I want to be a famous celebrity chef. Of course its for the fame and money but for a good cause. I want that fame and money to do great things! To realise my dream! Spread the word of censervation, build or sponser animal shelters, promote free range and make the world a safer future for our children! With money, I can travel! With fame, I can promote something better and hope people would receive the message and do something for a change! I want to do so many good and yet people hate me cause I'm trying to be good?
It's so hard to be myself and not feel good about it when people only like the lie. The placebo that make things good all the time but lies are lies. Depression can really wipe out someones creativity and self confidence, and make it go EXTINCT.

Whenever I fail, I feel horrible cause I'm being pulled away from my dream further and further. I'm trying my best here and yet I can't do it? I suck at socialing I know! I never thought that would affect me the worst! All I wanted was support. I want it more than anything in the world right now. I know that I will never loose hope in my dream and will pursue it anyway possible! I will NEVER GIVE UP on it! Never! Cause it MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.