Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm in Germany!!! Story of my life?

Wow! It's been such a long time since my last post here in my blog. The Insomniac Dreamer is back and had another sleepless night thanks to my F'king mind that keep filling me with worrying thoughts.

So... I'm in GERMANY! Ever since my trip back and fourth from Taiping to Penang in November last year, I've been traveling non stop. Went to Langkawi for the first time and stayed at a friend's place for 3 days. Then, had my first flight ever to the Land down under! AUSTRALIA!!! Travelled around the Southern part of Perth... Came back to Malaysia on Christmast day... Had the last 3 freaking months of Hell in COLLEGE while having fun with my dearest housemates. Without them, I don't know where I would be right now... Maybe in an asylum or a mental instituition... And currently, I'M IN GERMANY!!! EUROPE!!! Without parents or any adult supervision...

Of course I'm here not on a holiday. I'm here to be trained and perhaps grow up to be a good Chef one day. I'm here to chase my dreams and live it! I'm so crazy about Europe and the Western part of the world. It feels like a dream being here... See, I'm dreaming again...

Okay, so here is the stats so far... I wanted to travel out of Malaysia since I was like 12 years old... Had a pen-pall in Australia and longed to fly there ever since. I've done that so far... Took me 7 years to fulfill that dream. Too bad I've lost contact with that pen-pall of mine, so I didn't really get to meet her like how we had wished to do so 7 years ago.

Then, fell in love with France and it's language when I was 14, all thanks to the band Simple Plan. They hail from Canada, but they speak French. Haha! Totally fell in love with the language and I found new interests. I started to have more interest in sports and always supporting Canada! Haha! From Commanwealth games to A1gp(Automobile 1 Grand Prix)... Always supported team Canada and France... Malaysia too of course but when it came to the diving and synchronised swimming during the Commanwealth games, it's CANADA all the way...

It's funny how I meet friends... It's always thanks to my interest. I guess people with the same interest will always be great friends. Haha! Knew a girl called Christin thanks to a TV-Chat about a Simple Plan video... From music to sports. Yeah... We were crazy girls. She made me watch F1 cause I said A1 was more interesting. Fell in love with F1 racing and gone FERRARI crazy...

I have always had a deep interest in languages. When I met my best friend when I was 16, I found the only person to have that same interest. She too love languages and she was espeacially interested in Espanyol. Haha! I actually learnt a little bit of Spanish when I was 13. I always did last minute homework. Since Form 1 and Form 2 is in the afternoon session, I always did my homework in the morning before going to school while watching tv. Dora the explorer! Haha! Thats how I learnt Spanish. My parents think I'm crazy to want to learn so many languages cause I wanted to buy a French phase book during my form 4 time and they were like, why do you want to waste money on this book? I'm the black sheep of the family, always the weird one.

Well, thanks to my best friend, I ended up being a huge football fan! ARSENAL! The UK!!! Fell in love with the hot Dutch striker and it was NETHERLANDS all the way. ROBIN VAN PERSIE!!! ORANJE!!! WOO!!! KOM MAAR OP JULLIE ORANJE! Got in contact with Christin again and she was crazy over GERMANY... Phillip Lahm, Podolski, Ballack and bla bla bla... Heck! She even learnt the language and she is so good in German now... I have no idea how she learnt it that quick.

Culinary was something that hit me out of the blue. Must have been my mother because she always love to watch cooking shows on the telly and we had the AFC channel. That was when I discovered Gordon Ramsay. The culinary tract was my one way ticket to escape Form 6 and perhaps give me the wings to fly. Travel, to see the world, fame and fortune... Yeah, I WANT IT ALL!!! Tried for a scholarship, got it and I was in college. That was when language turned ugly on me...

FUCK! I'm CHINESE but I can't speak the most important dialect... MANDARIN... Never worked in my life, always thought that being good in school is the most important thing thanks to that school that made me mentally ill. The ugly truth is, it's still all about the money in the end of the day. Fame and reputation too... I can't fit in with knowledgeable people and can't fit in with the not so knowledgeable people... I guess I just don't fit in anywhere, or I just haven't found it yet. Eventhough my college life was hell, but I still had a lot of fun in my hostel life!

I MADE INTERNATIONAL FRIENDS!!! I will never forget the day I met my first international best friend... Oh Haliunaa I miss u so much... I never thought I would ever befriend someone from Mongolia before, but it happened! I got to learn her culture and even her language... Well, just a little bit. Haha! She thought me how to loosen up and just have fun! Then there was the twins and a guy who is now her fiancee... I can only hope the help and hospitality I provided them made their stay in Malaysia a great ever lasting memory...

To sum it all up... My dream is to travel, experiece new cultures, learn new languages and make more international friends! Now that I'm actually here in Europe... It does feel like I'm living in my dream... Maybe when it is over, I might never wake up again...

Friday, January 7, 2011

Nightmares... A Confession...

OK, so I'm back from Australia, and also back to post another depressing post in my blog which you would already see coming when you saw the title of this post. Yet again, I'm having trouble sleeping cause I just need to write everything down.

It's the New Year, and I know that after the trip to Australia and welcoming the new year would mean a fresh new beginning for me. Sadly, my first week of year 2011 seems to be awfully depressing and it just continues where I left things... So much have changed this past few days. I just had a very bad feeling on the day before I left my house to come to Penang. It was even bad enough to keep me in a bad mood throughout the whole journey here and being rude to my parents just made things worst for me.

I had to move houses since KDU kicked the girls and I out of the hostel apartment in the 5th floor of a residential apartment building. Then, I had to go to college freaking early in the morning and class started on that day itself. From Monday to Thursday, I had to walk to college freaking 7.30am and carry out my project module class till late afternoon. Whats worst is, on Monday and Wednesdays, I still have Entrepreneurship class from 3pm till 6pm. After walking and standing all 6 hours, I was freaking tired and fell asleep in class. How in the world am I to pass my final theory exam now when I can't even concentrate in class...

Time seems to fly these days... I can't even catch up anymore till I no longer have the ability to actually differentiate dreams from reality. My depression has actually got worst and I don't know if I can... I don't know... Words seem to... Urgh...

I just want to slip into nothingness... Sleep and dream forever... Live in my dreams but whats the point of living forever in your dreams when you can't die. Am I turning into a vampire subconsciously? I live in sadness and a place in my heart that is dark but wonderful cause I feed on it... Happiness only steel things away from me and could actually kill me. However, I'm the good type of vampire where the dark is just my curse... I don't want it but I am forced to need it. I have to accept it or I'll die. Good vampires walk during the day. They could only survive by protecting their mind... Well, not really, but from the book 'Vampire Diaries' written by L.J. Smith, vampires re stand sunlight by wearing a charmed lapis lazuli ring.

From research, I fould out that the stone could protect oneself from bad thoughts and the tortures of the mind. Hmm... Lets just stick to Good triumphs Evil for now...

I'm not a psychologist or anything but this is my metaphor. When you are cursed/gifted without a choice to be different in ways that no one could actually understand, our weaknesses are different. Everything about the sun is positive, warm, vibrant and produces life... To a vampire, it is their main weakness and the cause of their death. Why? You would have to wait for my book that I might publish in the future... 'Stephanie's Psychology about vampires'... Or it might come out in a fiction novel... Hahaha!

Why am I talking about vampires anyway? I here to point out the fact that my mind is actually driving me into a state of insanity. Every positive thing is being taken away from me... I actually felt lighter tonight after watching the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love' with my buddies. However, things got bad when I tried to fall asleep. Thoughts started to run through my head and I tried to just clear my mind... To just stop thinking... But I soon realised that it was totally impossible... So I tried positive thinking... Going back to a dream I used to have where I faced mirrors that had my reflection in it... All were good except one... It was the portal to all my fears... Who knew this creature of the night was actually afraid of the dark...

The reflection on the mirror was something out of a horror movie... Yet, I still decide to step through the mirror and face my fears... It was too much! It came to a point... Okay... I think I better write that part in the afternoon in my next post cause it's too terrifying to relief it now... Even writing about it would send chills down my spine and paranoia sets it... The image is burned into my memory and every time I close my eyes, there it is... The reason why I'm up all night writing this post right now... Being awake and writing this in total darkness is not helping either... Fear can be read on my face and every sound I hear is making my anxiety rise... My roommate just talked in her sleep just now and I got a fright... I'm being like a panic stricken horse right now...

My life is full of fear and I can't save myself from it... It consumes me and kills me every single day.