OK, so I'm back from Australia, and also back to post another depressing post in my blog which you would already see coming when you saw the title of this post. Yet again, I'm having trouble sleeping cause I just need to write everything down.
It's the New Year, and I know that after the trip to Australia and welcoming the new year would mean a fresh new beginning for me. Sadly, my first week of year 2011 seems to be awfully depressing and it just continues where I left things... So much have changed this past few days. I just had a very bad feeling on the day before I left my house to come to Penang. It was even bad enough to keep me in a bad mood throughout the whole journey here and being rude to my parents just made things worst for me.
I had to move houses since KDU kicked the girls and I out of the hostel apartment in the 5th floor of a residential apartment building. Then, I had to go to college freaking early in the morning and class started on that day itself. From Monday to Thursday, I had to walk to college freaking 7.30am and carry out my project module class till late afternoon. Whats worst is, on Monday and Wednesdays, I still have Entrepreneurship class from 3pm till 6pm. After walking and standing all 6 hours, I was freaking tired and fell asleep in class. How in the world am I to pass my final theory exam now when I can't even concentrate in class...
Time seems to fly these days... I can't even catch up anymore till I no longer have the ability to actually differentiate dreams from reality. My depression has actually got worst and I don't know if I can... I don't know... Words seem to... Urgh...
I just want to slip into nothingness... Sleep and dream forever... Live in my dreams but whats the point of living forever in your dreams when you can't die. Am I turning into a vampire subconsciously? I live in sadness and a place in my heart that is dark but wonderful cause I feed on it... Happiness only steel things away from me and could actually kill me. However, I'm the good type of vampire where the dark is just my curse... I don't want it but I am forced to need it. I have to accept it or I'll die. Good vampires walk during the day. They could only survive by protecting their mind... Well, not really, but from the book 'Vampire Diaries' written by L.J. Smith, vampires re stand sunlight by wearing a charmed lapis lazuli ring.
From research, I fould out that the stone could protect oneself from bad thoughts and the tortures of the mind. Hmm... Lets just stick to Good triumphs Evil for now...
I'm not a psychologist or anything but this is my metaphor. When you are cursed/gifted without a choice to be different in ways that no one could actually understand, our weaknesses are different. Everything about the sun is positive, warm, vibrant and produces life... To a vampire, it is their main weakness and the cause of their death. Why? You would have to wait for my book that I might publish in the future... 'Stephanie's Psychology about vampires'... Or it might come out in a fiction novel... Hahaha!
Why am I talking about vampires anyway? I here to point out the fact that my mind is actually driving me into a state of insanity. Every positive thing is being taken away from me... I actually felt lighter tonight after watching the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love' with my buddies. However, things got bad when I tried to fall asleep. Thoughts started to run through my head and I tried to just clear my mind... To just stop thinking... But I soon realised that it was totally impossible... So I tried positive thinking... Going back to a dream I used to have where I faced mirrors that had my reflection in it... All were good except one... It was the portal to all my fears... Who knew this creature of the night was actually afraid of the dark...
The reflection on the mirror was something out of a horror movie... Yet, I still decide to step through the mirror and face my fears... It was too much! It came to a point... Okay... I think I better write that part in the afternoon in my next post cause it's too terrifying to relief it now... Even writing about it would send chills down my spine and paranoia sets it... The image is burned into my memory and every time I close my eyes, there it is... The reason why I'm up all night writing this post right now... Being awake and writing this in total darkness is not helping either... Fear can be read on my face and every sound I hear is making my anxiety rise... My roommate just talked in her sleep just now and I got a fright... I'm being like a panic stricken horse right now...
My life is full of fear and I can't save myself from it... It consumes me and kills me every single day.
