Awakening...

It just occur to me that, my sleepless nights are often caused by my thoughts. I just have to write it all down before I regret it as I will soon forget about the things that I just thought of that are important to me. Okay, it's complicated and I'm not one that is good at explanations, so bare with me...

It's been a long time since I had a nice flowing conversation with anyone at all. In this case, my best friend. However, today she seem to be in the mood to talk. She called me and I was expecting for the long awkward silences to just make me come up with stupid excuses to just end the conversation, but it didn't happen tonight. Instead, we just kept on talking and our conversations were just like the ones we had during the first few years of our friendship.

These days she just kept going on about her bf and problems which really annoyed me cause I was starting to get tired of it. Our usually conversations are often about boys, relationships, religious issues, children, family and all sorts of funny and interesting stuffs that can go on and on and on. Having to talk about those things to her again truly opened my eyes and made me realise about the things that were bugging me... The reason for my aggressive behaviour, moody expressions and being lost in my depression...

Of course I can't write it down in my blog. It's too personal and it's mainly due to the fact that the problem lies in my family. Now I realise why teenagers act the way they should not, when their main problem is raised by family troubles. I never thought I would go through it, but it seems that every teenager will face such problems even though it may be their last year as one. Heck, I'm bloody 19... Once I turn 20, I have no idea what problems I'd have to face as an adult... I can't be acting like a teen anymore...

One thing I can tell is, I think my parents can't feel that I love them. Can't blame them for that cause the way I lash out at them and the way I talk is straightforward, insensitive and often cold. Other than that, I'm always searching for something or someone that I can love. For example, a band, hobby, role model, pet and even any guy. Which reminds me of a dream I had 5 years back. It was this dream that I remembered today that made me realise my hypothesis about my parents.

5 years ago, I started to fall in love with music. Not the music my parents wanted me to like, but really rock, punk, dark and really loud music. They never encountered this problem with my sister, and I think they saw evil in me. I was and am a problematic person till this day and I think they are getting tired with it. OK, back to the story... I went crazy fanatic over Simple Plan, Good Charlotte and Green Day. I was crazy in love with Good Charlotte's singer, Joel Madden that time, and he had all this tattoos and dark image. I just can't resist that darkness in people, and this guy has a twin brother! How cool is that!

The dream that I had, included my Mum, sister and Good Charlotte. I think this dream happened during that time I won tickets to Good Charlotte's live concert in Malaysia which I couldn't attend thanks to my parents. In the dream, I was having a party at my house. The party guest were mostly people that I really don't know, but Good Charlotte was there. Joel, Benji, Chris and Billy. I think it was the end of the party when everyone left, I was alone with Joel. I told him that I loved him and was willing to do just anything for him. He just looked at me and said, and I quote,

"Love your parents first, then only you can love me.".

Stubborn as usual, I said to him that I already love my parents enough to love him and he just smiled at me. I walked towards my parents bedroom and my mum and sis was in there. I crashed onto the bed and started begging them to allow me to go to GC's concert.

That's the only thing I remembered of that dream. It's amazing how I could remember it till this day. Of course I don't love Joel anymore after his stupid decision to be with Nicole Richie... However, I still have a thing for twins and still can't believe it that my first official bf happened to have a twin brother... Sad truth is, and this is my quote, so I quote...

"People always want things that they can't have but in the end, can't appreciate
the things that they already have..."

Okay, that just came out from nowhere... My deepness seems to amazes me every time...

Someone criticised me by saying that I'm like a child that like to put on adult clothes and act like a grown up... Well, I think it's better to act mature instead of being an absolute immature fool.

Hence, tonight's conclusion from my insomniac dreaming is... I have really really really troubling issues that I just can't fix yet. A solution have to be planed out and put into action before everything starts falling apart. First, I have to finish my final theory exams the best I could and only then start thinking of ways to solving my problems.

Life of an Insomniac Dreamer... -Dealing with Depression-

Yet again I have been hit by insomnia... Thought it's not serious, but for a 19 year old to suffer from this in a weekly basis, it's really disturbing. I'm an insomniac dreamer cause I often dream even though I'm wide awake. True, if you call that day dreaming, but whenever I'm hit by Insomnia... I seem to channel into my subconscious mind, trying to know myself better. I believe our dreams that we have when we are sleeping or in a state of subconscious reflects on our past history, memories and maybe project what we predict or hope for in the future. Alright, it's still consider as day dreaming... What can I say, I'm a dreamer... Therefore, an Insomniac Dreamer...

Insomnia usually hits me when I'm depressed, lonely, worried and just can't stop thinking. That is why I project the scenes of the past I remember, play out scenes from my memories and also scenarios that could take place in my future... It's how I reflect on myself I guess and in a good way, Insomnia seems to help cause during the night is the only time that I am truly alone and is able to let myself be vulnerable. However, it also reminds me of extreme loneliness which really sucks.

I'm a loner by nature but I crave for love and attention too. I know... It's really selfish of me. Actually, to tell you the truth... I don't know what I want and what I need. I only know that not getting what I want and what I need will truly suck and make me even more depressed. Don't all of us feel that way? It's just the way I self critic myself about this things that make me very pissed off... I know setting goals are one way to motivating our self to get what we want and what we need. It's just that, I'm a very sensitive person and the people around me affects me in many different way.

Being misunderstood and treated as if I'm such a moron that can't think what is right for me and that being depressed is really bad for me, is not really helping... Can't blame them thought cause I don't communicate much and they don't really have time to be my psychiatrist. My advice to those that want to help someone who is depressed is, never advice anyone who is depressed. It's as simple as that! So, rule number one is, NEVER ADVICE THE DEPRESSED!!!

First, listen to them and try to understand what they are feeling as well as what they are going through... If they seem to stay silent in their room, avoid small talk and are not acting their usual happy selves, you may think they just want to be left alone. It's something I like to call 'Lock down' where I just want to lock myself out from everything and not feel anything at all.

It's how I protect myself from further abuse in the form of words, critics and judgement. During 'Lock down', the depressed would find somewhere that they can be alone, usually in our room where we would just loose ourselves in thought. Most will think that we just want to be alone and not talk to anyone. Actually, it is true for the first 10-15 minutes, but after that, all they want is for someone they love to listen to their complaints and hopefully understand what they are going through. Which brings me to rule number two... NEVER ASSUME AND ACT AS IF YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!!!

When we pour all our feelings out to you, we are actually at the most vulnerable position ever. That is why, quote:

"You don't understand me and you never will. So don't start that shit 'bout knowing' how I feel."


It really pisses me off when people that want me to feel better when I'm depressed act all GOD in front of me. As if they know every f'king thing about life and make you feel like a total moron! I don't even think God would even do such a thing cause he would know how to enlighten the depressed with his kind and thoughtfulness. This leads to rule number three... ONLY GOD CAN ADVICE THE DEPRESSED!!!

After listening to what the depressed had to say, don't say anything... If they seem to need a hug or someone to hold them, just do it... It is very important to calm them down and let them release all their worries and problems that they are facing. Ask them nicely to just put all their trust in you and tell them to seek advice from God. They may seem reluctant at first, but the depressed is willing to do whatever to seek forgiveness and just get out from being depressed. Heck! People always assume that people who are depressed wants to stay that way forever cause they enjoy it more than being happy. It's really annoying! All we want is to be understood!

I believe that there is a God. To earn the trust of the depressed that you are dealing with, you have to take the lead and be a good leader. Like I mentioned before, we are at our most vulnerable position and taking advantage of us would make things far more worst. We already entrust you with our life by opening up to you, so your next move could actually kill us. Remember, betrayal is our worst enemy. We don't want stupid, crappy advice from you, we need good caring instructions. If the matter can be solved, just suggest them on what to do and if their request is reasonable, just go with it. If you have no idea on how to solve their problem, just tell them to close their eyes, try to talk to God, and trust themselves once you leave their room. Just give them a comforting smile and leave...

To be clear, it may not work on everybody of course cause these are just my opinions. I'm not a psychiatrist, or a counselor but I am a teenager that is going through depression. We are the ones that have to face today's society and things have changed throughout the years. You may think you know the Hell that we are going through because you have been through that period a few years ago, but it is never the same. I remember a quote from my best friend's dad and it is...

"The only thing in life that is permanent is change."

Well, morning is here and life goes on one way or another... Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight. Please rate and comment... Maybe share a few of your depressed quotes or stories with me... :)

For the depressed, I can only suggest you one thing... When you feel like giving up, all hope is gone and could only resort to one thing which is to end your f'king misery... Just listen to more of Good Charlotte, Simple Plan or whatever music that you are willing to live for. Songs like GC's 'Hold On', SP's 'Perfect', 'Shut Up', 'Untitled' and 'Welcome to my life' has truly saved me a few times during my secondary life. It reminds me that, there are people out there that actually cares about those that are depressed and want them to keep holding on. Today, I live to listen to Muse... I am willing to go through whatever hell just to keep listening to their songs and hopefully meet them one day. I know most of you guys have done the same, so tell me what music you guys like to listen too. Therefore, before I end this post... Remember, I am here and I believe all of you who are depressed out there... I believe you guys can go through this and keep holding on cause I believe in you guys... Peace out... ;p

If only life is fair... -Goodbyes-

Sorry for the long absent again... I've been just caught up with work and a lot of melodramatics. Here is the last installment of the "If only life is fair" series of post... Enjoy...

It was not long before I had to say goodbye to each of my friends that I had made during my third semester in KDU College Penang. My college life still sucks as bad as my previous semesters but the conditions of my hostel life was wonderful.

In April, we celebrated two birthdays. Hooi Ling on the 12th and Haliunaa on the 15th. We celebrated Hooi Ling's in Gurney plaza with a 3D Movie titled "How to Train Your Dragon". A highly anticipated movie and I was so excited till I messed up the sitting arrangements. We kept sitting at the wrong row of seats and had to change rows and seats like 3 times at least. Haha!!! I bought a cake for her and the party continued back in the Hostel. Ok... I know I look ugly in that pic but the memory will always be beautiful...

I think we are sitting in the right row of seat this time and what a better way to apologize by asking that person to take a pic of us. Haha!

We brought the party back to the hostel! I think there is a ghost behind Ling. Hahahaha!!!

Next was Haliunaa's turn to celebrate her birthday, but because it's her first time celebrating it in Malaysia and Penang itself, we just had to go all out and make it as memorable as possible for her. The story is in my previous post, so I'm just gonna link it...

3B's... Birthday, Beach and the Best day EVER!!!

http://punkdogsvp711rvp.blogspot.com/2010/04/3bs-birthday-beach-and-best-day-ever.html

Magical Night at the Beach...

http://punkdogsvp711rvp.blogspot.com/2010/04/magical-night-at-beach.html

Sadly, those were the last wonderful time we had together cause it was time to say goodbye from one person to the other. First person to leave was Huei. Next was Nicole and during that last day with Nicole, we had another trip to Ferringhi but it wasn't as wonderfull as the time we had there during Haliunaa's b'day... Only Hooi Ling, Nicole, Haliunaa, another housemate of ours, and I went.

After Nicole, it was Javka. Soon, it was time for Haliunaa to go back to Mongolia and it was sad to see her leave. We had to have a farewell party in the hostel filled with games and funny funny things which everyone enjoyed. Haliunaa once caught me playing the guitar and I promised her that I would play a song for her. Hence, on that night, I played and sang Muse's 'Undisclosed Desires' and it was the first time I ever sang and played the guitar for someone. It wasn't smooth and I kept doing a lot of mistakes but with more practice, I could have perfected it.

When it got really late, we decided to call it a night and head to sleep but a few minutes after that, the whole building lost electricity and everything was pitch black. That is when we decided that the party must go on! One thing led to another, and lets just say things got out of control at one point. We played so many stupid games and I got into very awkward situations with both of the twins. Lol.

In the morning, it was time to see Haliunaa get on the Taxi and start her long journey back to her birth place, Mongolia. We hugged, hid some tears away and promised each other that distance will never destroy our friendship. No doubt it was sad, but her four months in Malaysia will be remembered by all of us.

After Haliunaa's departure, I got to know the twins better and got too close to one of them. I never in a million years would have thought that my first ever official relationship would be with a Mongolian. Seriously, I never thought of it. However, just like the title of my series of post, life is never fair. It was a bittersweet relationship which both of us realize would end one way or another.

I could only remember 3 scenes where I had to cross the straits of Melacca that divides Penang from the mainland with tears in my eyes. First was during a car ride I had crossing the sea by the Penang bridge. I was going back to my grandmother's house at midnight after my grandfather's funeral procession. I did it very silently, lying down on the back seat. That was the night I decided never to shed another tear during my grandfather's funeral cause he would not like to see his beloved family members sad. Second time was during a ferry ride I had to take with my parents to Penang. I was having college troubles with my classmates and wasn't looking forward to going back to that sad place. My Mum started scolding me with some shit and I lost it. I really felt like jumping off the ferry ending my misery.

The last scene was the day the twins left Malaysia. That was the moment I felt truly alone because they were leaving and the girls at the hostel were not in good terms with me, even Hooi Ling. The journey back to Taiping was the longest one I ever had and the loneliest one too.

Well, that is the end. I know... Where is the happy ending right. Sadly, there is no happy ending to this series of post... just wonderful memories that would stay with me till my last day. Even if that day were to end my story in a sad ending, but by looking back on those happy times I had shared with the people I love, it's good enough for me... Reminds me of one of My Chemical Romance song that had this lyric...

"I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene..."

So, that's how I'm gonna end this post... Thanks for reading... :)