Awakening...

It just occur to me that, my sleepless nights are often caused by my thoughts. I just have to write it all down before I regret it as I will soon forget about the things that I just thought of that are important to me. Okay, it's complicated and I'm not one that is good at explanations, so bare with me...

It's been a long time since I had a nice flowing conversation with anyone at all. In this case, my best friend. However, today she seem to be in the mood to talk. She called me and I was expecting for the long awkward silences to just make me come up with stupid excuses to just end the conversation, but it didn't happen tonight. Instead, we just kept on talking and our conversations were just like the ones we had during the first few years of our friendship.

These days she just kept going on about her bf and problems which really annoyed me cause I was starting to get tired of it. Our usually conversations are often about boys, relationships, religious issues, children, family and all sorts of funny and interesting stuffs that can go on and on and on. Having to talk about those things to her again truly opened my eyes and made me realise about the things that were bugging me... The reason for my aggressive behaviour, moody expressions and being lost in my depression...

Of course I can't write it down in my blog. It's too personal and it's mainly due to the fact that the problem lies in my family. Now I realise why teenagers act the way they should not, when their main problem is raised by family troubles. I never thought I would go through it, but it seems that every teenager will face such problems even though it may be their last year as one. Heck, I'm bloody 19... Once I turn 20, I have no idea what problems I'd have to face as an adult... I can't be acting like a teen anymore...

One thing I can tell is, I think my parents can't feel that I love them. Can't blame them for that cause the way I lash out at them and the way I talk is straightforward, insensitive and often cold. Other than that, I'm always searching for something or someone that I can love. For example, a band, hobby, role model, pet and even any guy. Which reminds me of a dream I had 5 years back. It was this dream that I remembered today that made me realise my hypothesis about my parents.

5 years ago, I started to fall in love with music. Not the music my parents wanted me to like, but really rock, punk, dark and really loud music. They never encountered this problem with my sister, and I think they saw evil in me. I was and am a problematic person till this day and I think they are getting tired with it. OK, back to the story... I went crazy fanatic over Simple Plan, Good Charlotte and Green Day. I was crazy in love with Good Charlotte's singer, Joel Madden that time, and he had all this tattoos and dark image. I just can't resist that darkness in people, and this guy has a twin brother! How cool is that!

The dream that I had, included my Mum, sister and Good Charlotte. I think this dream happened during that time I won tickets to Good Charlotte's live concert in Malaysia which I couldn't attend thanks to my parents. In the dream, I was having a party at my house. The party guest were mostly people that I really don't know, but Good Charlotte was there. Joel, Benji, Chris and Billy. I think it was the end of the party when everyone left, I was alone with Joel. I told him that I loved him and was willing to do just anything for him. He just looked at me and said, and I quote,

"Love your parents first, then only you can love me.".

Stubborn as usual, I said to him that I already love my parents enough to love him and he just smiled at me. I walked towards my parents bedroom and my mum and sis was in there. I crashed onto the bed and started begging them to allow me to go to GC's concert.

That's the only thing I remembered of that dream. It's amazing how I could remember it till this day. Of course I don't love Joel anymore after his stupid decision to be with Nicole Richie... However, I still have a thing for twins and still can't believe it that my first official bf happened to have a twin brother... Sad truth is, and this is my quote, so I quote...

"People always want things that they can't have but in the end, can't appreciate
the things that they already have..."

Okay, that just came out from nowhere... My deepness seems to amazes me every time...

Someone criticised me by saying that I'm like a child that like to put on adult clothes and act like a grown up... Well, I think it's better to act mature instead of being an absolute immature fool.

Hence, tonight's conclusion from my insomniac dreaming is... I have really really really troubling issues that I just can't fix yet. A solution have to be planed out and put into action before everything starts falling apart. First, I have to finish my final theory exams the best I could and only then start thinking of ways to solving my problems.