Loosing it... I guess it's the only way I could figure out whats wrong... and eventually find myself again...

Wow... My last post in here was when I was still in Germany. Well, I came back to Malaysia 4 months ago and here I am again... It seems that, everytime I'm attacked by depressive thoughts, I come here to find solace in my own writing. I guess it's the only way for me to free myself from the hell I've created in my own head.

Many things have happened during my time in Germany and there was a period of time I was actually fine. When I came back to Malaysia, that was when things started to go a little out of control. My original plan was to spend the last 3 months of year 2011 practicing my cooking by cooking at home, learn some recipes from my Mother and Grandmother, and take really good care of my pets. Stefan my rabbit and Johnny my dog. Then I will start the year 2012 by searching for a job in Taiping and working there for 3 months, so that I could save money, gain working experience and be around to take care of my pets. After that, I will head to Penang and work there.

However, due to my inability to express myself, all my plans crashed and burned. I know I dissapointed 'them' when I failed to get a job offer and continue working there in Germany. Do 'they' actually know how much I wanted to continue working there? How much I wanted to improve myself... How much I wanted that job offer. How much I wanted to speak their language. How much I wanted to befriend all of them. How much it hurt when I failed to do so? How sad I was to leave Germany after spending 6 months there. I loved every moment of it and I only wish I could have helped the restaurant better.

Maybe I was too good in keeping all the bad stuff locked away. People knew I was sad. Everyone can see that... I can sense all the judgement in their look. Friends and family would tell me to be happy and forget about the bad stuff. No point in being sad, share that sadness and spread it around like a disease, eventhought I'm actually suffering in silence. Did anyone even think that I tried so many different methods to get myself out of depression, before they start judging me? How hard it was to find something to make me happy. How it hurts when that source of happiness is taken away from me or when it stoped making me happy? How I failed time and time and time again, and yet am still around till this day?

I took all the blame and suffer. Instead of helping me unselfishly, they selfishly give me advice that actually make themselves feel really good about themselves. And I unselfishly let them. Do they actually realise the damage they have caused? I advice those people to watch a movie called 'Taare Zameen Par' while keeping an open mind. It's a Hindi movie and Amir Khan stars and directed in it. In one scene, Amir Khan brought up a legend about Soloman Island. It is said that to clear a land for farming, the tribals would just gather around a tree/forest and curse it with bad demeaning words till eventually, the tree/forest would wither away.

I'm drifting off again... Well, my plans crashed and burned. I was very tired when I came back to Malaysia, so I decided to take a week to just relax and do nothing cause I don't know when I'm ever going to get the chance to do that ever again. I know I'll devote all my time and energy to my work once I get into gear. Then, 'they' guilt me into having a job and I am a sucker, so I let them push me around again.

I wasn't ready, wasn't prepared and was going againts what I really wanted to do. How am I to be happy? Well, I tried to make things work and stay positive. Took the job in Penang and tried my best to cope with it. Tried to stay positive and ignore my feelings of regreat, guilt and failure. Bitched about some things, but I'm still here! If I don't BITCH about it, I don't think I could have made it till 2012.

I did well for 2 months and a half. Then, I saw an oppurtunity to head back to my original plan. To work and care for my pets in Taiping. Get oppurtunities to learn and cook with my Grandmother as well as my best friend's mother who recently suffered from a light stroke. Have all the things to stay active, be motivated and save money... That was when I was hit with the 'Dilema'...

To never see my pets ever again, or to never be able to work in the Hard Rock Hotel Penang ever again... I still have 24 hours to decide and I think I've already decided it(not really sure about it. "It's complicated"). I've cried so hard... I don't know if it is the right thing to do, but whatever mistake I make... I pay for it dearly and I know I deserve all the punishment that comes my way... Because of 'them'... I will continue to suffer, eventhought I know... 'They' will never ever be happy with whatever I do. They will never know or understand the sacrifices I made. I'm willing to live my life in sadness for 'them'... Cause thats what I do for love... My first priority in life was never 'I'... I guess I lied in PDP and also to myself.

Funny... In an episode of 'Friends'... Joey told Phoebe that there was no such thing as an unselfish good deed. Maybe I found the unselfish good dead that some people do... I still can't be sure because I don't really know if I actually enjoy being sad or am I just trying to be positive... It's complicated...

Only GOD can change my plan now, but I know the decisions that GOD make is similar to the 'Sorting Hat' of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry...

Nightmares... A Confession...

OK, so I'm back from Australia, and also back to post another depressing post in my blog which you would already see coming when you saw the title of this post. Yet again, I'm having trouble sleeping cause I just need to write everything down.

It's the New Year, and I know that after the trip to Australia and welcoming the new year would mean a fresh new beginning for me. Sadly, my first week of year 2011 seems to be awfully depressing and it just continues where I left things... So much have changed this past few days. I just had a very bad feeling on the day before I left my house to come to Penang. It was even bad enough to keep me in a bad mood throughout the whole journey here and being rude to my parents just made things worst for me.

I had to move houses since KDU kicked the girls and I out of the hostel apartment in the 5th floor of a residential apartment building. Then, I had to go to college freaking early in the morning and class started on that day itself. From Monday to Thursday, I had to walk to college freaking 7.30am and carry out my project module class till late afternoon. Whats worst is, on Monday and Wednesdays, I still have Entrepreneurship class from 3pm till 6pm. After walking and standing all 6 hours, I was freaking tired and fell asleep in class. How in the world am I to pass my final theory exam now when I can't even concentrate in class...

Time seems to fly these days... I can't even catch up anymore till I no longer have the ability to actually differentiate dreams from reality. My depression has actually got worst and I don't know if I can... I don't know... Words seem to... Urgh...

I just want to slip into nothingness... Sleep and dream forever... Live in my dreams but whats the point of living forever in your dreams when you can't die. Am I turning into a vampire subconsciously? I live in sadness and a place in my heart that is dark but wonderful cause I feed on it... Happiness only steel things away from me and could actually kill me. However, I'm the good type of vampire where the dark is just my curse... I don't want it but I am forced to need it. I have to accept it or I'll die. Good vampires walk during the day. They could only survive by protecting their mind... Well, not really, but from the book 'Vampire Diaries' written by L.J. Smith, vampires re stand sunlight by wearing a charmed lapis lazuli ring.

From research, I fould out that the stone could protect oneself from bad thoughts and the tortures of the mind. Hmm... Lets just stick to Good triumphs Evil for now...

I'm not a psychologist or anything but this is my metaphor. When you are cursed/gifted without a choice to be different in ways that no one could actually understand, our weaknesses are different. Everything about the sun is positive, warm, vibrant and produces life... To a vampire, it is their main weakness and the cause of their death. Why? You would have to wait for my book that I might publish in the future... 'Stephanie's Psychology about vampires'... Or it might come out in a fiction novel... Hahaha!

Why am I talking about vampires anyway? I here to point out the fact that my mind is actually driving me into a state of insanity. Every positive thing is being taken away from me... I actually felt lighter tonight after watching the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love' with my buddies. However, things got bad when I tried to fall asleep. Thoughts started to run through my head and I tried to just clear my mind... To just stop thinking... But I soon realised that it was totally impossible... So I tried positive thinking... Going back to a dream I used to have where I faced mirrors that had my reflection in it... All were good except one... It was the portal to all my fears... Who knew this creature of the night was actually afraid of the dark...

The reflection on the mirror was something out of a horror movie... Yet, I still decide to step through the mirror and face my fears... It was too much! It came to a point... Okay... I think I better write that part in the afternoon in my next post cause it's too terrifying to relief it now... Even writing about it would send chills down my spine and paranoia sets it... The image is burned into my memory and every time I close my eyes, there it is... The reason why I'm up all night writing this post right now... Being awake and writing this in total darkness is not helping either... Fear can be read on my face and every sound I hear is making my anxiety rise... My roommate just talked in her sleep just now and I got a fright... I'm being like a panic stricken horse right now...

My life is full of fear and I can't save myself from it... It consumes me and kills me every single day.