Loosing it... I guess it's the only way I could figure out whats wrong... and eventually find myself again...

Wow... My last post in here was when I was still in Germany. Well, I came back to Malaysia 4 months ago and here I am again... It seems that, everytime I'm attacked by depressive thoughts, I come here to find solace in my own writing. I guess it's the only way for me to free myself from the hell I've created in my own head.

Many things have happened during my time in Germany and there was a period of time I was actually fine. When I came back to Malaysia, that was when things started to go a little out of control. My original plan was to spend the last 3 months of year 2011 practicing my cooking by cooking at home, learn some recipes from my Mother and Grandmother, and take really good care of my pets. Stefan my rabbit and Johnny my dog. Then I will start the year 2012 by searching for a job in Taiping and working there for 3 months, so that I could save money, gain working experience and be around to take care of my pets. After that, I will head to Penang and work there.

However, due to my inability to express myself, all my plans crashed and burned. I know I dissapointed 'them' when I failed to get a job offer and continue working there in Germany. Do 'they' actually know how much I wanted to continue working there? How much I wanted to improve myself... How much I wanted that job offer. How much I wanted to speak their language. How much I wanted to befriend all of them. How much it hurt when I failed to do so? How sad I was to leave Germany after spending 6 months there. I loved every moment of it and I only wish I could have helped the restaurant better.

Maybe I was too good in keeping all the bad stuff locked away. People knew I was sad. Everyone can see that... I can sense all the judgement in their look. Friends and family would tell me to be happy and forget about the bad stuff. No point in being sad, share that sadness and spread it around like a disease, eventhought I'm actually suffering in silence. Did anyone even think that I tried so many different methods to get myself out of depression, before they start judging me? How hard it was to find something to make me happy. How it hurts when that source of happiness is taken away from me or when it stoped making me happy? How I failed time and time and time again, and yet am still around till this day?

I took all the blame and suffer. Instead of helping me unselfishly, they selfishly give me advice that actually make themselves feel really good about themselves. And I unselfishly let them. Do they actually realise the damage they have caused? I advice those people to watch a movie called 'Taare Zameen Par' while keeping an open mind. It's a Hindi movie and Amir Khan stars and directed in it. In one scene, Amir Khan brought up a legend about Soloman Island. It is said that to clear a land for farming, the tribals would just gather around a tree/forest and curse it with bad demeaning words till eventually, the tree/forest would wither away.

I'm drifting off again... Well, my plans crashed and burned. I was very tired when I came back to Malaysia, so I decided to take a week to just relax and do nothing cause I don't know when I'm ever going to get the chance to do that ever again. I know I'll devote all my time and energy to my work once I get into gear. Then, 'they' guilt me into having a job and I am a sucker, so I let them push me around again.

I wasn't ready, wasn't prepared and was going againts what I really wanted to do. How am I to be happy? Well, I tried to make things work and stay positive. Took the job in Penang and tried my best to cope with it. Tried to stay positive and ignore my feelings of regreat, guilt and failure. Bitched about some things, but I'm still here! If I don't BITCH about it, I don't think I could have made it till 2012.

I did well for 2 months and a half. Then, I saw an oppurtunity to head back to my original plan. To work and care for my pets in Taiping. Get oppurtunities to learn and cook with my Grandmother as well as my best friend's mother who recently suffered from a light stroke. Have all the things to stay active, be motivated and save money... That was when I was hit with the 'Dilema'...

To never see my pets ever again, or to never be able to work in the Hard Rock Hotel Penang ever again... I still have 24 hours to decide and I think I've already decided it(not really sure about it. "It's complicated"). I've cried so hard... I don't know if it is the right thing to do, but whatever mistake I make... I pay for it dearly and I know I deserve all the punishment that comes my way... Because of 'them'... I will continue to suffer, eventhought I know... 'They' will never ever be happy with whatever I do. They will never know or understand the sacrifices I made. I'm willing to live my life in sadness for 'them'... Cause thats what I do for love... My first priority in life was never 'I'... I guess I lied in PDP and also to myself.

Funny... In an episode of 'Friends'... Joey told Phoebe that there was no such thing as an unselfish good deed. Maybe I found the unselfish good dead that some people do... I still can't be sure because I don't really know if I actually enjoy being sad or am I just trying to be positive... It's complicated...

Only GOD can change my plan now, but I know the decisions that GOD make is similar to the 'Sorting Hat' of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry...

I'm in Germany!!! Story of my life?

Wow! It's been such a long time since my last post here in my blog. The Insomniac Dreamer is back and had another sleepless night thanks to my F'king mind that keep filling me with worrying thoughts.

So... I'm in GERMANY! Ever since my trip back and fourth from Taiping to Penang in November last year, I've been traveling non stop. Went to Langkawi for the first time and stayed at a friend's place for 3 days. Then, had my first flight ever to the Land down under! AUSTRALIA!!! Travelled around the Southern part of Perth... Came back to Malaysia on Christmast day... Had the last 3 freaking months of Hell in COLLEGE while having fun with my dearest housemates. Without them, I don't know where I would be right now... Maybe in an asylum or a mental instituition... And currently, I'M IN GERMANY!!! EUROPE!!! Without parents or any adult supervision...

Of course I'm here not on a holiday. I'm here to be trained and perhaps grow up to be a good Chef one day. I'm here to chase my dreams and live it! I'm so crazy about Europe and the Western part of the world. It feels like a dream being here... See, I'm dreaming again...

Okay, so here is the stats so far... I wanted to travel out of Malaysia since I was like 12 years old... Had a pen-pall in Australia and longed to fly there ever since. I've done that so far... Took me 7 years to fulfill that dream. Too bad I've lost contact with that pen-pall of mine, so I didn't really get to meet her like how we had wished to do so 7 years ago.

Then, fell in love with France and it's language when I was 14, all thanks to the band Simple Plan. They hail from Canada, but they speak French. Haha! Totally fell in love with the language and I found new interests. I started to have more interest in sports and always supporting Canada! Haha! From Commanwealth games to A1gp(Automobile 1 Grand Prix)... Always supported team Canada and France... Malaysia too of course but when it came to the diving and synchronised swimming during the Commanwealth games, it's CANADA all the way...

It's funny how I meet friends... It's always thanks to my interest. I guess people with the same interest will always be great friends. Haha! Knew a girl called Christin thanks to a TV-Chat about a Simple Plan video... From music to sports. Yeah... We were crazy girls. She made me watch F1 cause I said A1 was more interesting. Fell in love with F1 racing and gone FERRARI crazy...

I have always had a deep interest in languages. When I met my best friend when I was 16, I found the only person to have that same interest. She too love languages and she was espeacially interested in Espanyol. Haha! I actually learnt a little bit of Spanish when I was 13. I always did last minute homework. Since Form 1 and Form 2 is in the afternoon session, I always did my homework in the morning before going to school while watching tv. Dora the explorer! Haha! Thats how I learnt Spanish. My parents think I'm crazy to want to learn so many languages cause I wanted to buy a French phase book during my form 4 time and they were like, why do you want to waste money on this book? I'm the black sheep of the family, always the weird one.

Well, thanks to my best friend, I ended up being a huge football fan! ARSENAL! The UK!!! Fell in love with the hot Dutch striker and it was NETHERLANDS all the way. ROBIN VAN PERSIE!!! ORANJE!!! WOO!!! KOM MAAR OP JULLIE ORANJE! Got in contact with Christin again and she was crazy over GERMANY... Phillip Lahm, Podolski, Ballack and bla bla bla... Heck! She even learnt the language and she is so good in German now... I have no idea how she learnt it that quick.

Culinary was something that hit me out of the blue. Must have been my mother because she always love to watch cooking shows on the telly and we had the AFC channel. That was when I discovered Gordon Ramsay. The culinary tract was my one way ticket to escape Form 6 and perhaps give me the wings to fly. Travel, to see the world, fame and fortune... Yeah, I WANT IT ALL!!! Tried for a scholarship, got it and I was in college. That was when language turned ugly on me...

FUCK! I'm CHINESE but I can't speak the most important dialect... MANDARIN... Never worked in my life, always thought that being good in school is the most important thing thanks to that school that made me mentally ill. The ugly truth is, it's still all about the money in the end of the day. Fame and reputation too... I can't fit in with knowledgeable people and can't fit in with the not so knowledgeable people... I guess I just don't fit in anywhere, or I just haven't found it yet. Eventhough my college life was hell, but I still had a lot of fun in my hostel life!

I MADE INTERNATIONAL FRIENDS!!! I will never forget the day I met my first international best friend... Oh Haliunaa I miss u so much... I never thought I would ever befriend someone from Mongolia before, but it happened! I got to learn her culture and even her language... Well, just a little bit. Haha! She thought me how to loosen up and just have fun! Then there was the twins and a guy who is now her fiancee... I can only hope the help and hospitality I provided them made their stay in Malaysia a great ever lasting memory...

To sum it all up... My dream is to travel, experiece new cultures, learn new languages and make more international friends! Now that I'm actually here in Europe... It does feel like I'm living in my dream... Maybe when it is over, I might never wake up again...

Nightmares... A Confession...

OK, so I'm back from Australia, and also back to post another depressing post in my blog which you would already see coming when you saw the title of this post. Yet again, I'm having trouble sleeping cause I just need to write everything down.

It's the New Year, and I know that after the trip to Australia and welcoming the new year would mean a fresh new beginning for me. Sadly, my first week of year 2011 seems to be awfully depressing and it just continues where I left things... So much have changed this past few days. I just had a very bad feeling on the day before I left my house to come to Penang. It was even bad enough to keep me in a bad mood throughout the whole journey here and being rude to my parents just made things worst for me.

I had to move houses since KDU kicked the girls and I out of the hostel apartment in the 5th floor of a residential apartment building. Then, I had to go to college freaking early in the morning and class started on that day itself. From Monday to Thursday, I had to walk to college freaking 7.30am and carry out my project module class till late afternoon. Whats worst is, on Monday and Wednesdays, I still have Entrepreneurship class from 3pm till 6pm. After walking and standing all 6 hours, I was freaking tired and fell asleep in class. How in the world am I to pass my final theory exam now when I can't even concentrate in class...

Time seems to fly these days... I can't even catch up anymore till I no longer have the ability to actually differentiate dreams from reality. My depression has actually got worst and I don't know if I can... I don't know... Words seem to... Urgh...

I just want to slip into nothingness... Sleep and dream forever... Live in my dreams but whats the point of living forever in your dreams when you can't die. Am I turning into a vampire subconsciously? I live in sadness and a place in my heart that is dark but wonderful cause I feed on it... Happiness only steel things away from me and could actually kill me. However, I'm the good type of vampire where the dark is just my curse... I don't want it but I am forced to need it. I have to accept it or I'll die. Good vampires walk during the day. They could only survive by protecting their mind... Well, not really, but from the book 'Vampire Diaries' written by L.J. Smith, vampires re stand sunlight by wearing a charmed lapis lazuli ring.

From research, I fould out that the stone could protect oneself from bad thoughts and the tortures of the mind. Hmm... Lets just stick to Good triumphs Evil for now...

I'm not a psychologist or anything but this is my metaphor. When you are cursed/gifted without a choice to be different in ways that no one could actually understand, our weaknesses are different. Everything about the sun is positive, warm, vibrant and produces life... To a vampire, it is their main weakness and the cause of their death. Why? You would have to wait for my book that I might publish in the future... 'Stephanie's Psychology about vampires'... Or it might come out in a fiction novel... Hahaha!

Why am I talking about vampires anyway? I here to point out the fact that my mind is actually driving me into a state of insanity. Every positive thing is being taken away from me... I actually felt lighter tonight after watching the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love' with my buddies. However, things got bad when I tried to fall asleep. Thoughts started to run through my head and I tried to just clear my mind... To just stop thinking... But I soon realised that it was totally impossible... So I tried positive thinking... Going back to a dream I used to have where I faced mirrors that had my reflection in it... All were good except one... It was the portal to all my fears... Who knew this creature of the night was actually afraid of the dark...

The reflection on the mirror was something out of a horror movie... Yet, I still decide to step through the mirror and face my fears... It was too much! It came to a point... Okay... I think I better write that part in the afternoon in my next post cause it's too terrifying to relief it now... Even writing about it would send chills down my spine and paranoia sets it... The image is burned into my memory and every time I close my eyes, there it is... The reason why I'm up all night writing this post right now... Being awake and writing this in total darkness is not helping either... Fear can be read on my face and every sound I hear is making my anxiety rise... My roommate just talked in her sleep just now and I got a fright... I'm being like a panic stricken horse right now...

My life is full of fear and I can't save myself from it... It consumes me and kills me every single day.

Awakening...

It just occur to me that, my sleepless nights are often caused by my thoughts. I just have to write it all down before I regret it as I will soon forget about the things that I just thought of that are important to me. Okay, it's complicated and I'm not one that is good at explanations, so bare with me...

It's been a long time since I had a nice flowing conversation with anyone at all. In this case, my best friend. However, today she seem to be in the mood to talk. She called me and I was expecting for the long awkward silences to just make me come up with stupid excuses to just end the conversation, but it didn't happen tonight. Instead, we just kept on talking and our conversations were just like the ones we had during the first few years of our friendship.

These days she just kept going on about her bf and problems which really annoyed me cause I was starting to get tired of it. Our usually conversations are often about boys, relationships, religious issues, children, family and all sorts of funny and interesting stuffs that can go on and on and on. Having to talk about those things to her again truly opened my eyes and made me realise about the things that were bugging me... The reason for my aggressive behaviour, moody expressions and being lost in my depression...

Of course I can't write it down in my blog. It's too personal and it's mainly due to the fact that the problem lies in my family. Now I realise why teenagers act the way they should not, when their main problem is raised by family troubles. I never thought I would go through it, but it seems that every teenager will face such problems even though it may be their last year as one. Heck, I'm bloody 19... Once I turn 20, I have no idea what problems I'd have to face as an adult... I can't be acting like a teen anymore...

One thing I can tell is, I think my parents can't feel that I love them. Can't blame them for that cause the way I lash out at them and the way I talk is straightforward, insensitive and often cold. Other than that, I'm always searching for something or someone that I can love. For example, a band, hobby, role model, pet and even any guy. Which reminds me of a dream I had 5 years back. It was this dream that I remembered today that made me realise my hypothesis about my parents.

5 years ago, I started to fall in love with music. Not the music my parents wanted me to like, but really rock, punk, dark and really loud music. They never encountered this problem with my sister, and I think they saw evil in me. I was and am a problematic person till this day and I think they are getting tired with it. OK, back to the story... I went crazy fanatic over Simple Plan, Good Charlotte and Green Day. I was crazy in love with Good Charlotte's singer, Joel Madden that time, and he had all this tattoos and dark image. I just can't resist that darkness in people, and this guy has a twin brother! How cool is that!

The dream that I had, included my Mum, sister and Good Charlotte. I think this dream happened during that time I won tickets to Good Charlotte's live concert in Malaysia which I couldn't attend thanks to my parents. In the dream, I was having a party at my house. The party guest were mostly people that I really don't know, but Good Charlotte was there. Joel, Benji, Chris and Billy. I think it was the end of the party when everyone left, I was alone with Joel. I told him that I loved him and was willing to do just anything for him. He just looked at me and said, and I quote,

"Love your parents first, then only you can love me.".

Stubborn as usual, I said to him that I already love my parents enough to love him and he just smiled at me. I walked towards my parents bedroom and my mum and sis was in there. I crashed onto the bed and started begging them to allow me to go to GC's concert.

That's the only thing I remembered of that dream. It's amazing how I could remember it till this day. Of course I don't love Joel anymore after his stupid decision to be with Nicole Richie... However, I still have a thing for twins and still can't believe it that my first official bf happened to have a twin brother... Sad truth is, and this is my quote, so I quote...

"People always want things that they can't have but in the end, can't appreciate
the things that they already have..."

Okay, that just came out from nowhere... My deepness seems to amazes me every time...

Someone criticised me by saying that I'm like a child that like to put on adult clothes and act like a grown up... Well, I think it's better to act mature instead of being an absolute immature fool.

Hence, tonight's conclusion from my insomniac dreaming is... I have really really really troubling issues that I just can't fix yet. A solution have to be planed out and put into action before everything starts falling apart. First, I have to finish my final theory exams the best I could and only then start thinking of ways to solving my problems.

Life of an Insomniac Dreamer... -Dealing with Depression-

Yet again I have been hit by insomnia... Thought it's not serious, but for a 19 year old to suffer from this in a weekly basis, it's really disturbing. I'm an insomniac dreamer cause I often dream even though I'm wide awake. True, if you call that day dreaming, but whenever I'm hit by Insomnia... I seem to channel into my subconscious mind, trying to know myself better. I believe our dreams that we have when we are sleeping or in a state of subconscious reflects on our past history, memories and maybe project what we predict or hope for in the future. Alright, it's still consider as day dreaming... What can I say, I'm a dreamer... Therefore, an Insomniac Dreamer...

Insomnia usually hits me when I'm depressed, lonely, worried and just can't stop thinking. That is why I project the scenes of the past I remember, play out scenes from my memories and also scenarios that could take place in my future... It's how I reflect on myself I guess and in a good way, Insomnia seems to help cause during the night is the only time that I am truly alone and is able to let myself be vulnerable. However, it also reminds me of extreme loneliness which really sucks.

I'm a loner by nature but I crave for love and attention too. I know... It's really selfish of me. Actually, to tell you the truth... I don't know what I want and what I need. I only know that not getting what I want and what I need will truly suck and make me even more depressed. Don't all of us feel that way? It's just the way I self critic myself about this things that make me very pissed off... I know setting goals are one way to motivating our self to get what we want and what we need. It's just that, I'm a very sensitive person and the people around me affects me in many different way.

Being misunderstood and treated as if I'm such a moron that can't think what is right for me and that being depressed is really bad for me, is not really helping... Can't blame them thought cause I don't communicate much and they don't really have time to be my psychiatrist. My advice to those that want to help someone who is depressed is, never advice anyone who is depressed. It's as simple as that! So, rule number one is, NEVER ADVICE THE DEPRESSED!!!

First, listen to them and try to understand what they are feeling as well as what they are going through... If they seem to stay silent in their room, avoid small talk and are not acting their usual happy selves, you may think they just want to be left alone. It's something I like to call 'Lock down' where I just want to lock myself out from everything and not feel anything at all.

It's how I protect myself from further abuse in the form of words, critics and judgement. During 'Lock down', the depressed would find somewhere that they can be alone, usually in our room where we would just loose ourselves in thought. Most will think that we just want to be alone and not talk to anyone. Actually, it is true for the first 10-15 minutes, but after that, all they want is for someone they love to listen to their complaints and hopefully understand what they are going through. Which brings me to rule number two... NEVER ASSUME AND ACT AS IF YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!!!

When we pour all our feelings out to you, we are actually at the most vulnerable position ever. That is why, quote:

"You don't understand me and you never will. So don't start that shit 'bout knowing' how I feel."


It really pisses me off when people that want me to feel better when I'm depressed act all GOD in front of me. As if they know every f'king thing about life and make you feel like a total moron! I don't even think God would even do such a thing cause he would know how to enlighten the depressed with his kind and thoughtfulness. This leads to rule number three... ONLY GOD CAN ADVICE THE DEPRESSED!!!

After listening to what the depressed had to say, don't say anything... If they seem to need a hug or someone to hold them, just do it... It is very important to calm them down and let them release all their worries and problems that they are facing. Ask them nicely to just put all their trust in you and tell them to seek advice from God. They may seem reluctant at first, but the depressed is willing to do whatever to seek forgiveness and just get out from being depressed. Heck! People always assume that people who are depressed wants to stay that way forever cause they enjoy it more than being happy. It's really annoying! All we want is to be understood!

I believe that there is a God. To earn the trust of the depressed that you are dealing with, you have to take the lead and be a good leader. Like I mentioned before, we are at our most vulnerable position and taking advantage of us would make things far more worst. We already entrust you with our life by opening up to you, so your next move could actually kill us. Remember, betrayal is our worst enemy. We don't want stupid, crappy advice from you, we need good caring instructions. If the matter can be solved, just suggest them on what to do and if their request is reasonable, just go with it. If you have no idea on how to solve their problem, just tell them to close their eyes, try to talk to God, and trust themselves once you leave their room. Just give them a comforting smile and leave...

To be clear, it may not work on everybody of course cause these are just my opinions. I'm not a psychiatrist, or a counselor but I am a teenager that is going through depression. We are the ones that have to face today's society and things have changed throughout the years. You may think you know the Hell that we are going through because you have been through that period a few years ago, but it is never the same. I remember a quote from my best friend's dad and it is...

"The only thing in life that is permanent is change."

Well, morning is here and life goes on one way or another... Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight. Please rate and comment... Maybe share a few of your depressed quotes or stories with me... :)

For the depressed, I can only suggest you one thing... When you feel like giving up, all hope is gone and could only resort to one thing which is to end your f'king misery... Just listen to more of Good Charlotte, Simple Plan or whatever music that you are willing to live for. Songs like GC's 'Hold On', SP's 'Perfect', 'Shut Up', 'Untitled' and 'Welcome to my life' has truly saved me a few times during my secondary life. It reminds me that, there are people out there that actually cares about those that are depressed and want them to keep holding on. Today, I live to listen to Muse... I am willing to go through whatever hell just to keep listening to their songs and hopefully meet them one day. I know most of you guys have done the same, so tell me what music you guys like to listen too. Therefore, before I end this post... Remember, I am here and I believe all of you who are depressed out there... I believe you guys can go through this and keep holding on cause I believe in you guys... Peace out... ;p

If only life is fair... -Goodbyes-

Sorry for the long absent again... I've been just caught up with work and a lot of melodramatics. Here is the last installment of the "If only life is fair" series of post... Enjoy...

It was not long before I had to say goodbye to each of my friends that I had made during my third semester in KDU College Penang. My college life still sucks as bad as my previous semesters but the conditions of my hostel life was wonderful.

In April, we celebrated two birthdays. Hooi Ling on the 12th and Haliunaa on the 15th. We celebrated Hooi Ling's in Gurney plaza with a 3D Movie titled "How to Train Your Dragon". A highly anticipated movie and I was so excited till I messed up the sitting arrangements. We kept sitting at the wrong row of seats and had to change rows and seats like 3 times at least. Haha!!! I bought a cake for her and the party continued back in the Hostel. Ok... I know I look ugly in that pic but the memory will always be beautiful...

I think we are sitting in the right row of seat this time and what a better way to apologize by asking that person to take a pic of us. Haha!

We brought the party back to the hostel! I think there is a ghost behind Ling. Hahahaha!!!

Next was Haliunaa's turn to celebrate her birthday, but because it's her first time celebrating it in Malaysia and Penang itself, we just had to go all out and make it as memorable as possible for her. The story is in my previous post, so I'm just gonna link it...

3B's... Birthday, Beach and the Best day EVER!!!

http://punkdogsvp711rvp.blogspot.com/2010/04/3bs-birthday-beach-and-best-day-ever.html

Magical Night at the Beach...

http://punkdogsvp711rvp.blogspot.com/2010/04/magical-night-at-beach.html

Sadly, those were the last wonderful time we had together cause it was time to say goodbye from one person to the other. First person to leave was Huei. Next was Nicole and during that last day with Nicole, we had another trip to Ferringhi but it wasn't as wonderfull as the time we had there during Haliunaa's b'day... Only Hooi Ling, Nicole, Haliunaa, another housemate of ours, and I went.

After Nicole, it was Javka. Soon, it was time for Haliunaa to go back to Mongolia and it was sad to see her leave. We had to have a farewell party in the hostel filled with games and funny funny things which everyone enjoyed. Haliunaa once caught me playing the guitar and I promised her that I would play a song for her. Hence, on that night, I played and sang Muse's 'Undisclosed Desires' and it was the first time I ever sang and played the guitar for someone. It wasn't smooth and I kept doing a lot of mistakes but with more practice, I could have perfected it.

When it got really late, we decided to call it a night and head to sleep but a few minutes after that, the whole building lost electricity and everything was pitch black. That is when we decided that the party must go on! One thing led to another, and lets just say things got out of control at one point. We played so many stupid games and I got into very awkward situations with both of the twins. Lol.

In the morning, it was time to see Haliunaa get on the Taxi and start her long journey back to her birth place, Mongolia. We hugged, hid some tears away and promised each other that distance will never destroy our friendship. No doubt it was sad, but her four months in Malaysia will be remembered by all of us.

After Haliunaa's departure, I got to know the twins better and got too close to one of them. I never in a million years would have thought that my first ever official relationship would be with a Mongolian. Seriously, I never thought of it. However, just like the title of my series of post, life is never fair. It was a bittersweet relationship which both of us realize would end one way or another.

I could only remember 3 scenes where I had to cross the straits of Melacca that divides Penang from the mainland with tears in my eyes. First was during a car ride I had crossing the sea by the Penang bridge. I was going back to my grandmother's house at midnight after my grandfather's funeral procession. I did it very silently, lying down on the back seat. That was the night I decided never to shed another tear during my grandfather's funeral cause he would not like to see his beloved family members sad. Second time was during a ferry ride I had to take with my parents to Penang. I was having college troubles with my classmates and wasn't looking forward to going back to that sad place. My Mum started scolding me with some shit and I lost it. I really felt like jumping off the ferry ending my misery.

The last scene was the day the twins left Malaysia. That was the moment I felt truly alone because they were leaving and the girls at the hostel were not in good terms with me, even Hooi Ling. The journey back to Taiping was the longest one I ever had and the loneliest one too.

Well, that is the end. I know... Where is the happy ending right. Sadly, there is no happy ending to this series of post... just wonderful memories that would stay with me till my last day. Even if that day were to end my story in a sad ending, but by looking back on those happy times I had shared with the people I love, it's good enough for me... Reminds me of one of My Chemical Romance song that had this lyric...

"I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene..."

So, that's how I'm gonna end this post... Thanks for reading... :)

If only life is fair... -Double Trouble-

It's not long before I got to see double. Yup, it's time to bring in the twins into this story cause every story needs a guy in it, but this is better cause the guy happen to have a twin brother.

Usually, Haliunaa, Hooi Ling, Nicole and I would always go to college together on the shuttle bus together in the morning for our morning classes. We would always arrive 15 minutes early to college and just spend that time talking in front of their English class since I and Hooi Ling had nothing better to do in the morning. It was still that period of time where Hooi Ling and Haliunaa kept teasing Nicole with the twins. I'm curious to see them and so was Hooi Ling but the boys weren't there till the last minute. We were leaving for our class and Haliunaa pointed out the boys. They were climbing up the stairs and cause I was rushing for time since I didn't like to be late for classes, I only noticed one of them. His name is Bayarbatar but call him Baadai, same age as I, wearing white with a red checkered shirt on top, short trimmed hair and kind of cute. Oh yeah, and he had piercings in his ear. How cool is that? Maybe I had glaced a moment at the brother, but I just can't remember and I didn't dare to stare at them for more than a second cause I wouldn't wanna be caught staring. The twin brother, his name is Bayarbat and we know him as Badu. Haliunaa asked my opinion on how they looked and I said, not bad. Haha! They were cute but still average looking and common. Lol.

It wasn't hard to differentiate the two apart. One had really short and trimmed hair and the other normal with a slight faux hawk hairstyle. Besides, one likes to wear black and the other is always seen wearing white. How cute is that? Their face is also different but I just can't figure out what the difference is. No doubt they look really alike since they were twins, but there was a feature in their face that made them look different. I guess I'll never figure it out cause till today, I just can't figure it out. Haha...

Then, came the day Haliunaa wanted to introduce I and Hooi Ling to the twins. We planed to eat at some Mamak shop the twins wanted to bring Haliunaa to, which the twins thought was an Indian shop. I had to work in the I-lab that day and Hooi Ling accompanied me while I was working. Sudenly, one of the twins came in and I just couldn't help smiling cause I knew him but he didnt know me and he had no idea that we were about to eat lunch together very soon. Ironic right. It was hard comtrolling my facial expressions and Hooi Ling was like telling me about the ironic information. That was the first time I had clear sight of him and the irony continues when I had to help him with the printer thing. Stupid Queueserver thing! Thank God I don't have to deal with that problem anymore today since they upgraded the server. I acted as if he was just another student and wanted to do something funny, but of course I didn't. Haha. He left after he printed his assignments.

Haliunaa and Nicole was waiting outside and after I finished my shift, went to meet up with them. It seems that we will meet up with the other twin which was Baadai downstairs and wait for Badu before going down. He must be handing in his recently printed assignment and when he was walking towards us, I just didn't know where to look at. He was suprised of course and we introduced each other. We didn't shake hands or anything, just acknowledged each other and I guess we were all shy accept for Haliunaa of course. I notice that Badu is kind of shy and a little bit more to himself kind of person. Quiet and reserved. When we met Baadai downstairs, the way he greeted us was totally different and that was when I noticed how different their personalities was. Baadai was cheerful, friendly and had the joyous smile I've ever seen. I was shy and just said a simple hi to him. I think he noticed that and just smiled at me. Hooi Ling on the other hand, got a hand shake with him. Haha! She was suprised and all shy about it. Lol.

We walked and we walked till we reached the shop. It wasn't easy to feel comfortable with them cause everthing felt so awkward and funny in a way, but I still tried to be friendly and just smile. They did asked me some funny questions and I felt happy to answer those questions eventhough they had no idea what the hell I was talking about. Haliunaa had to translate everything and most of the conversation was between themselves which was really interesting to me. I love listening to people communicating in their own language eventhough I have no clue whatsoever what they are talking about. For me, it's just so interesting. Even sign language is fun to watch.

I guess the friendship started when the boys moved into the same building as us. we lived in the fifth floor and they moved into the eight floor. Their first visit, it was still all awkward and silent. I remember I, Hooi Ling and Haliunaa just came back from watching Alice in Wonderland 3D that day. Nicole, Huei and the other girls went back to their hometown as usuall. First it was Baadai who came cause Badu was still on his way. I and Hooi Ling was so shy that we kept hiding in our room and Haliunaa kept asking us to come out to socialise. It was so funny the way I and Hooi Ling were trying to pluck up enough courage to go out there. When we came out, both the twins were there and we decided to play some card games. That was then ice was broken and we finaly felt comfortable with each other. It was the first time I saw Badu open up, be cheerful and enthusiastic. We had fun playing cards and laughed at the silly moments during a snap game. I was so bad in that game cause I'm still not comfortable touching anybody's hand aspeacially boys. Shocking for those who knew me during Primary school I know, but being in an all girl school can change a person dramaticly. We even talked about movies that night and If I'm not mistaken, we did watched 'Meet the Fockers' that night.

Not long after that, they visited our hostel weekly and kept playing cards. Baadai is such a player and all he wants to do is win, win and win. Most of the time, it's always Baadai who come down to play regardless the time and Badu will only join us sometimes. There are times I feel like going back to those days and relive the moments. I trully miss those times and could never forget it no matter how hard I try cause those moments are just to wonderful to forget.

I know most who read, if anybody does read this must be wondering who is 'The Guy' in the story... Well, for Haliunaa it's a different guy. A friend of the twins which I would tell in the continuation of this series of post. For me, I never thought 'The guy' in my story will happen to be one of the twins, cause I've never really seem to be interested in any one of them, but everything changed after that thaks to one beautiful, almost magical and panoramic night I will never ever forget for my whole entire life.