What I'm about to write are my dreams that I know I might never achieve now cause there is no fucking college in Malaysia that can help realise my dream! Chef was a choice! I had no other options but to take it since I certainly can't endure 2 more years in school and the course is the only thing that was affordable and reachable.
All I ever wanted to be was a Zoologist or any career that involved studying animals. Thats my passion in life and is the only thing that I can do best! I went to Sciece Stream and got tortured there is just because of my dream, but because I'm in Malaysia, there is no fucking way possible I can ever reach it unless I went to overseas that would cost a fortune. I wanna learn, study and care for animals. Instead, I'm cooking dead animals. I find that very ironic but some animals are ment to be food source and farmed animals does not hurt the ecosystem if properly managed. I wanna spread the word of conservation just like Steve Irwin, the guy who inspired me the most. It would have been a wonderful dream to meet him and it has always been my dream to meet him. Sadly, he left this world too early and it silently killed me inside to know that the world has just lost a wonderful legend who was a hero to those who can't speak and didn't really matter to the majority of the people of the world.
I want to build animal shelters, programs that would educate people on how to be responsible pet owners. Where is the love people??? Love makes the world go round but it seems as if money makes the world go round, and that is a fact.
When it comes to animal facts, I could remember them in a heartbeat except when Its about their weight, speed and those physics stuff. I'm more into Biology, how they move, react, why do they have those behaviours and speacial abilities. Out of the three science subjects, I got A1 in Biology. Physics, a B4 and a very predictable C5 in Chemistry.
I find it hard to organise my priorities. I feel like I'm being pulled far far away from this dream of mine and it hurts terribly. I can't remember the animal facts I used to remember anymore, I seem to be wrong all the time and I find it hard to pull myself back together. I always wanted those big huge animal books that had facts and everything in it but was always too expensive. My parents just wouldn't spend that much money on me by buying that book. In fact, my parents don't really support me with this dream of mine. My mum aspeacially would not invest on something that won't make alot of money and that was why my last and only option was to take Chef training.
I always thought I would do really well cause I want to be a famous celebrity chef. Of course its for the fame and money but for a good cause. I want that fame and money to do great things! To realise my dream! Spread the word of censervation, build or sponser animal shelters, promote free range and make the world a safer future for our children! With money, I can travel! With fame, I can promote something better and hope people would receive the message and do something for a change! I want to do so many good and yet people hate me cause I'm trying to be good?
It's so hard to be myself and not feel good about it when people only like the lie. The placebo that make things good all the time but lies are lies. Depression can really wipe out someones creativity and self confidence, and make it go EXTINCT.
Whenever I fail, I feel horrible cause I'm being pulled away from my dream further and further. I'm trying my best here and yet I can't do it? I suck at socialing I know! I never thought that would affect me the worst! All I wanted was support. I want it more than anything in the world right now. I know that I will never loose hope in my dream and will pursue it anyway possible! I will NEVER GIVE UP on it! Never! Cause it MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Feels so good to hurt so bad...
Ok... I know I'm being EMO but I don't care anymore! Being one is not wrong at all! Actually being one makes one stronger only in a different and hard way, but stongest among all! We are the noble dark knights (not batman) but something like dark fallen angels trying to get their wings back.
Everytime I'm pushed to a point where I think I might be having a mental break-down like how I'm feeling now, I would find the need to write it all out aspeacially in my blogs.
I have absolutely no idea what is wrong with me this few days. I just have this feeling of sadness and refuse to talk to anyone eventhough it was my best friend that I thought I could talk all day and all night with, just like the times before. I just couldn't and I felt guilty for doing so.
For the whole day today, I've been sitting in front of the telly, on the rocking chair and watching movies as well as other programs that I thought was interesting. I just couldn't do something else. Then, I felt this urge to cry for no reason at all-which I did a few moments ago. I just don't know what my problem is. I'm kinda lost and lonely eventhough I'm home and my parents as well as best friends are here. Yet I feel so isolated from everyone in the world.
Sadness sucks but yet I'm reluctant to let it go. Why am I being like this??? Missery is my companion and somehow owned me in a way. Have I fallen in love with pain and sadness cause everything that happens around me seems to give me nothing but pain and missery! It met me in school and now has followed me to College. Everywhere I go seem to give me nothing but it!
I met a guy that made me happy for awhile and I thought for once, the world has showed me that there are still good decent people out there but it didn't last long. In the end the guy himself became another source of unhapiness to me. I know I'm seen as the freak, crazy, unsociable, dark and hatefull person. I didn't choose to be like this okay! I was changed into that monster thanks to people who don't like to read a book that does not have a shiny, glossy and beautiful cover! If you don't know me then you certainly do not have the right to judge me and see me as that horrible mask you all just put on me.
Everytime I'm pushed to a point where I think I might be having a mental break-down like how I'm feeling now, I would find the need to write it all out aspeacially in my blogs.
I have absolutely no idea what is wrong with me this few days. I just have this feeling of sadness and refuse to talk to anyone eventhough it was my best friend that I thought I could talk all day and all night with, just like the times before. I just couldn't and I felt guilty for doing so.
For the whole day today, I've been sitting in front of the telly, on the rocking chair and watching movies as well as other programs that I thought was interesting. I just couldn't do something else. Then, I felt this urge to cry for no reason at all-which I did a few moments ago. I just don't know what my problem is. I'm kinda lost and lonely eventhough I'm home and my parents as well as best friends are here. Yet I feel so isolated from everyone in the world.
Sadness sucks but yet I'm reluctant to let it go. Why am I being like this??? Missery is my companion and somehow owned me in a way. Have I fallen in love with pain and sadness cause everything that happens around me seems to give me nothing but pain and missery! It met me in school and now has followed me to College. Everywhere I go seem to give me nothing but it!
I met a guy that made me happy for awhile and I thought for once, the world has showed me that there are still good decent people out there but it didn't last long. In the end the guy himself became another source of unhapiness to me. I know I'm seen as the freak, crazy, unsociable, dark and hatefull person. I didn't choose to be like this okay! I was changed into that monster thanks to people who don't like to read a book that does not have a shiny, glossy and beautiful cover! If you don't know me then you certainly do not have the right to judge me and see me as that horrible mask you all just put on me.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
My other blog... Food-T Fans...
Hey... Just wanna tell you guys out there that read my blog that I have created another blog which I now share with my two best frens... Here is the link, check it out... :)
http://punkdog711rsvp.blogspot.com/
http://punkdog711rsvp.blogspot.com/
Risen Phoenix...
At last! I got to spread my wings wide and fly my way to FREEDOM!!! I burst into flames and rise high above the ashes of past failures... I am the Risen Phoenix!
Haha... I'm done with my theory exams!!! At first I thought I was gonna do kinda terrible in them since all I did was last minute studying, but somehow, I found all my theory exams easy and smooth... I did my very best and I just hope my results meet my expectations. Just wanna thank my buddies that help me, had group studies with me and treated me like a fellow human being.
I'm home in Taiping!!! Now I know how true the saying is that there is no other place like home. I love huggin my darling dog Johnny, being around my family and MY ROOM!!!
Since the hostel are gonna have spring cleaning, we were all required to put all our stuffs in boxes or plastics with our names written on it. I started packing at 1am+ and stoped at 4am+ cause I was too dam tired. My parents said they were gonna reach my hostel at 1pm, so I decided to wake at 10am and continue packing. However, my mum had other plans due to her one night insomnia. I found myself waking up at 9am and be told by my mum that she was on her way to my place and was gonna reach around 10am. Of course I didn't get to pack all my stuff in time before they reach but I guess my mum must have been in a good mood cause I didn't get the usuall nagging from her.
Ok, I didn't really got away from her naggings, she did nag me bout one thing and that was about the amount of stuff that I was bringing home to Taiping. I think I took home 10 bags filled with stuff. Lol... After my parents cram the Myvi with my bags, I bid my fellow housemates farewell and its off to Lunch in Pulau Tikus and home after that.
At last! I'm home in Taiping! Everything feels sane again cause I'm acting a lil insanely happy lol! It's been years seen I've felt this way again. Even when I knew I was in really deep trouble by getting a fish bone stuck in my throat, I could still laugh about it and at the thought of me dying due to it or living with that bone stuck in my throat till I die. Haha! I tried everything from caughing it out, sticking my finger down my throat and swallowing food. Everything failed! In the end, I just got a torchlight and I saw the bone sticking in my throat. I gotto let the news out of the bag and my mum pulled the bone out with a pair of chopsticks. Haha! Strange enough, we all laughed at the situation.
All in all, I'm very happy today. It has really been such a long time since I've felt this way. I suddenly have this Christmast spirit for no reason and somehow been awarded with little pleasures such as twilight on MTV and my dad addicted to a mandarin drama series I bought. Tomorrow is another new blank page that needs to be written or read... Only time would tell...
Haha... I'm done with my theory exams!!! At first I thought I was gonna do kinda terrible in them since all I did was last minute studying, but somehow, I found all my theory exams easy and smooth... I did my very best and I just hope my results meet my expectations. Just wanna thank my buddies that help me, had group studies with me and treated me like a fellow human being.
I'm home in Taiping!!! Now I know how true the saying is that there is no other place like home. I love huggin my darling dog Johnny, being around my family and MY ROOM!!!
Since the hostel are gonna have spring cleaning, we were all required to put all our stuffs in boxes or plastics with our names written on it. I started packing at 1am+ and stoped at 4am+ cause I was too dam tired. My parents said they were gonna reach my hostel at 1pm, so I decided to wake at 10am and continue packing. However, my mum had other plans due to her one night insomnia. I found myself waking up at 9am and be told by my mum that she was on her way to my place and was gonna reach around 10am. Of course I didn't get to pack all my stuff in time before they reach but I guess my mum must have been in a good mood cause I didn't get the usuall nagging from her.
Ok, I didn't really got away from her naggings, she did nag me bout one thing and that was about the amount of stuff that I was bringing home to Taiping. I think I took home 10 bags filled with stuff. Lol... After my parents cram the Myvi with my bags, I bid my fellow housemates farewell and its off to Lunch in Pulau Tikus and home after that.
At last! I'm home in Taiping! Everything feels sane again cause I'm acting a lil insanely happy lol! It's been years seen I've felt this way again. Even when I knew I was in really deep trouble by getting a fish bone stuck in my throat, I could still laugh about it and at the thought of me dying due to it or living with that bone stuck in my throat till I die. Haha! I tried everything from caughing it out, sticking my finger down my throat and swallowing food. Everything failed! In the end, I just got a torchlight and I saw the bone sticking in my throat. I gotto let the news out of the bag and my mum pulled the bone out with a pair of chopsticks. Haha! Strange enough, we all laughed at the situation.
All in all, I'm very happy today. It has really been such a long time since I've felt this way. I suddenly have this Christmast spirit for no reason and somehow been awarded with little pleasures such as twilight on MTV and my dad addicted to a mandarin drama series I bought. Tomorrow is another new blank page that needs to be written or read... Only time would tell...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
My favourite depressed Quotes...
Depression hits again... My life in depressed quotes...
< It's getting colder now and the darkness consumes me. Depression is slowly creeping up. Maybe one day you'll actually care about me.
< I'm tired of being nice to people who don't give a shit about me. ( I really like this one)
< Sometimes the pain's too strong to bare...and life gets so hard you just don't care. You feel so alone you just sit and cry...every second you wish you could die. Then you start thinking who would care...if one day they woke up-and you weren't there.
< I could go on with my day and act like everything is okay. But as my life goes on it hurts more in every way.
< She can't hide no matter how hard she tries, her secret disguised behind the lies. And at night she cries away her pride, with eyes shut tight staring at her inside. All her friends know why she can't sleep at night, all her family asking is she alright. All she wants to do is get rid of this hell, well all she's got to do is stop kiddin herself. She can only fool herself for so long...
< Know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain on the inside. ( another one that I really like...)
< I've been weak and I've been strong. I've been thru the fire and I've been thru the storm. Try to do right and I know I do wrong. Just be happy for me when my life is gone. Cause with no more hurt and no more tears, there will be no more pain and no more fears. No more people in my face that are not sincere. So smile for me when I'm no longer here.
< Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry. And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong. ( really like this one)
< I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I wanna see. My world use to be worth living for, and now it's hard enough just to be me.
< I'm screwing up every little good thing I ever try to do. I was born to lose.
( I keep saying that to myself... Haizz...)
'~' You don't understand me and you never will. So don't start that shit 'bout knowin' how I feel. ( really love this one)
'~' Do you know what it's like to be me? Go through something not everyone can see? Do you know what it's like to walk in my shoes? Please stop judging me simply cause I'm not you... (Yeah!)
'~' Things are going crazy and I'm not sure who to blame. Everything is changing and I don't feel the same. I'm slipping through the cracks of floors I thought were strong. I'm trying to find a place where I feel like I belong.
'~' I think I'd do better on my own, no friends, no fights,just me...alone (Totally agree)
'~' I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.
'~' Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words that go unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeating inside my head. (Love this)
'~' I just wanna end it all. Should I trip or should I fall. Wills omeone be there to catch me when I'm falling to the ground, or will I be there forever lying there with no sound. (some how Dreamt about it cause I'm still left there on the ground)
'~' Do you ever just get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody. You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy but at the same time you don't know exactly what is wrong either? (feeling it right now)
< It's getting colder now and the darkness consumes me. Depression is slowly creeping up. Maybe one day you'll actually care about me.
< I'm tired of being nice to people who don't give a shit about me. ( I really like this one)
< Sometimes the pain's too strong to bare...and life gets so hard you just don't care. You feel so alone you just sit and cry...every second you wish you could die. Then you start thinking who would care...if one day they woke up-and you weren't there.
< I could go on with my day and act like everything is okay. But as my life goes on it hurts more in every way.
< She can't hide no matter how hard she tries, her secret disguised behind the lies. And at night she cries away her pride, with eyes shut tight staring at her inside. All her friends know why she can't sleep at night, all her family asking is she alright. All she wants to do is get rid of this hell, well all she's got to do is stop kiddin herself. She can only fool herself for so long...
< Know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain on the inside. ( another one that I really like...)
< I've been weak and I've been strong. I've been thru the fire and I've been thru the storm. Try to do right and I know I do wrong. Just be happy for me when my life is gone. Cause with no more hurt and no more tears, there will be no more pain and no more fears. No more people in my face that are not sincere. So smile for me when I'm no longer here.
< Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry. And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong. ( really like this one)
< I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I wanna see. My world use to be worth living for, and now it's hard enough just to be me.
< I'm screwing up every little good thing I ever try to do. I was born to lose.
( I keep saying that to myself... Haizz...)
'~' You don't understand me and you never will. So don't start that shit 'bout knowin' how I feel. ( really love this one)
'~' Do you know what it's like to be me? Go through something not everyone can see? Do you know what it's like to walk in my shoes? Please stop judging me simply cause I'm not you... (Yeah!)
'~' Things are going crazy and I'm not sure who to blame. Everything is changing and I don't feel the same. I'm slipping through the cracks of floors I thought were strong. I'm trying to find a place where I feel like I belong.
'~' I think I'd do better on my own, no friends, no fights,just me...alone (Totally agree)
'~' I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.
'~' Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words that go unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeating inside my head. (Love this)
'~' I just wanna end it all. Should I trip or should I fall. Wills omeone be there to catch me when I'm falling to the ground, or will I be there forever lying there with no sound. (some how Dreamt about it cause I'm still left there on the ground)
'~' Do you ever just get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody. You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy but at the same time you don't know exactly what is wrong either? (feeling it right now)
Failure...
Today I had my Garde Manger final practical exam. I woke up at 8am drowsy as ever cause I slept at 2am+... Reset my alarm to wake me up at 9am so that I can have another hour of sleep but I couldn't fall back to sleep cause I kept thinking of the exam... How was I going to do the plating, garnishing for the canape and so many more.
Got to college, slept at the cafeteria, did a few more things n time was up. I always thought when I was in the kitchen I would feel better and knew exactly what to do... Sadly, I wasted some of my precious time running around like a headless chicken in the kitchen figuring what to do next. In the end, I was late to present my product and my product was totally boring... T_T
When the Chef was elaborating n commenting about it, I was numb, tired, self criticizing and felt like running away. I didn't wanna be there at all. I felt terribly uncomfortable like a fish out of water...
All in all I felt beaten to the ground. My self criticisms hurt me n decreased whatever left of my self confidence to a zero.
Got to college, slept at the cafeteria, did a few more things n time was up. I always thought when I was in the kitchen I would feel better and knew exactly what to do... Sadly, I wasted some of my precious time running around like a headless chicken in the kitchen figuring what to do next. In the end, I was late to present my product and my product was totally boring... T_T
When the Chef was elaborating n commenting about it, I was numb, tired, self criticizing and felt like running away. I didn't wanna be there at all. I felt terribly uncomfortable like a fish out of water...
All in all I felt beaten to the ground. My self criticisms hurt me n decreased whatever left of my self confidence to a zero.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
French Oral exam...
Ok... Its finals again and before I sit for my final French theory exam, I have to go through this Oral test which I had an hour ago...
How was it? All I can say is GG la... Here is how it went...
Sorry if my spelling is wrong... My French is worst than my English...
Knock knock knock... I open the door n went in...
Me: Bonjour(a church mouse squeek)
Mr.R: Bonjour. Introduce yourself.
Me: Je Mahppele Stephanie Cheng. Je suis Malaysienne. J'habite a Penang. Je suis dix-huit ans. Je suis etudiante a KDU COllege Penang... (shaky voice with 'umm' n 'ahh' in intervals)
Mr.R: PLease describe for me Shan.
Me: Pardon?
Mr.R: Like tall or short, hair colour of Shan.
Me: Shan? (a few seconds of silence tat felt like a lifetime...)
Me: Shan? Prashant??? (an indian classmate of mine)
Mr.R: Yeah, Prashant.
Me: Oh! Ok. Ummm... Il est grande, et a les cheaveux noir... et les yeux brune.
Mr.R: Ok... Yong.
Me: Rebecca? ( another one of my classmates cause I thought I heard him say Rebecca)
Mr.R: Yong Tien How.
Me: Pardon?
Mr.R: Yong Tien How. (pointing at his name at the name list)
Me: Je nuh Se puh (I thought he wanted me to describe him but I wasn't sure who he was)
Mr.R: No, call him to come. He is next. I only ask you 3 questions. Thats it.
Me: Oh! Ok ok... Haha... =.=''
N I walked out of the room...
3 Questions? He only asked me 2... Was Bonjour a question? I thought he heard my very soft bonjour n was replying my bonjour... All the people who went in before me was asked at least 5 questions... Why I only got 2??? I'm paranoid!!! I feel like sinking to the bottom of the ocean... I'm sinking sinking sinking....
Tomorrow I'm having Garde Manger Final practical exam!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!
How was it? All I can say is GG la... Here is how it went...
Sorry if my spelling is wrong... My French is worst than my English...
Knock knock knock... I open the door n went in...
Me: Bonjour(a church mouse squeek)
Mr.R: Bonjour. Introduce yourself.
Me: Je Mahppele Stephanie Cheng. Je suis Malaysienne. J'habite a Penang. Je suis dix-huit ans. Je suis etudiante a KDU COllege Penang... (shaky voice with 'umm' n 'ahh' in intervals)
Mr.R: PLease describe for me Shan.
Me: Pardon?
Mr.R: Like tall or short, hair colour of Shan.
Me: Shan? (a few seconds of silence tat felt like a lifetime...)
Me: Shan? Prashant??? (an indian classmate of mine)
Mr.R: Yeah, Prashant.
Me: Oh! Ok. Ummm... Il est grande, et a les cheaveux noir... et les yeux brune.
Mr.R: Ok... Yong.
Me: Rebecca? ( another one of my classmates cause I thought I heard him say Rebecca)
Mr.R: Yong Tien How.
Me: Pardon?
Mr.R: Yong Tien How. (pointing at his name at the name list)
Me: Je nuh Se puh (I thought he wanted me to describe him but I wasn't sure who he was)
Mr.R: No, call him to come. He is next. I only ask you 3 questions. Thats it.
Me: Oh! Ok ok... Haha... =.=''
N I walked out of the room...
3 Questions? He only asked me 2... Was Bonjour a question? I thought he heard my very soft bonjour n was replying my bonjour... All the people who went in before me was asked at least 5 questions... Why I only got 2??? I'm paranoid!!! I feel like sinking to the bottom of the ocean... I'm sinking sinking sinking....
Tomorrow I'm having Garde Manger Final practical exam!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!
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